He was chewing an unfinished milk dud, literally lying through his teeth.

He was chewing an unfinished milk dud, literally lying through his teeth.

“Dad, I swear I’ve had 3 candies.” My youngest was sitting in my tailgate after the neighborhood “Witches Ride” where moms on bikes throw candy out to kids in their yards.

It’s like trick or treating, standing still. And there’s way too much candy, just raining down from the sky.

“Hey, you’ve been eating candy all afternoon, theres no way that’s only number 3.” I scoffed, but he didn’t budge.

“I SWEAR” His eyes and the fundip stains were giving him away. I didn’t press my luck, though, I just said, let me hold your bucket for you.

And I wondered, “Is that a lie?” It definitely was, right? Do I call him on it? What do I do? And it lead to a question that I get from parents all the time.

“Sean, what about lying? What do we do when we catch them in a blatant lie?” We know they didn’t brush their teeth. We know they didn’t put away their laundry. We know they didn’t go to extra help.

What then? Because as much as we would like the simple answer to be, “Call them out.” That can backfire with some kids, pushing them further from honesty and accountability than we would care to admit.

Let’s first understand what lying is - a functional threat response. It’s not socially appropriate to be out of alignment with your family or friends or any other social group that requires your integrity for participation. So very often, the easiest and fastest way to get into alignment is a lie.

My son knew I didn’t want him eating 24 fun size Kit Kats standing on the curb, but he lost count 30 minutes before I asked. So he made up a number that he knew I would be amenable to - 3. It was the quickest and easiest way for him to dissolve the threat of, “Dad’s upset with me.”

The same is true with our older kids and more complex situations. They know they aren’t supposed to be using devices after a certain hour, so they create a front to justify the behavior “I was emailing my teacher!” They intended to turn in their homework, so they say they did and blame the teacher, “She didn’t grade it!” Even amongst friends, they will embellish stories to get closer to status and belonging, “Yeah, I have a boyfriend from camp.”

When we understand the goal of the behavior is social protection, belonging, acceptance and alignment, then we can respond in a way that makes the truth easier to own.

If we respond to their storytelling with a massive freakout and punishment, then we’ve created division and even greater embarrassment. We’ve proven their choices were massive, troubling, unacceptable. They’ve learned their fear was true.

They’ve just realized that not only was their initial choice harmful, but their reflex to protect themselves only created more harm. It’s very likely that they will just double and triple down in the hopes that people will not realize or forget.

But we don’t leave the moment alone. We can’t because ignoring their misinformation also proves to be functional. The stress dies down, the moment blows over, and they wipe their brow having pulled one over on us.

Dealing with a lie isn’t really about ownership as much it’s about helping someone be comfortable in embarrassment of failure. Here’s my thought.

Stay calm. Allowing them to feel safe in that difficult situation is the first step to making accountability safe. Resist the urge to call them out, stay quiet and present. We’re not moving. Get comfortable. “3 pieces. Huh.”

Have them narrate the story. Ask them to walk you through what happened. Inside the story, you will have moments to help them understand how they were feeling. You’re not investigating, you’re just allowing them to walk through it. “Just tell me again about the candy?”

Wait. Silence indicates that you are waiting for them to come to you, on their time. That’s an immense amount of stress for a kid to carry. Allow them to hold it, see if their awareness follows.

Don’t explain yourself. “No, no. I heard you. You said you ate 3. We don’t have to discuss.” You’re only engaging in a rhetorical debate, that gives them a degree of control over the situation, if they can win the debate, they can win the case. There’s no debate in the issue of the truth. It’s either true or false.

Allow alternatives. Sometimes kids need an onramp to the truth. Brace them for an alternative to the story, and offer a different version. “Can I say something? I don’t want you to think I’m trying to call you out, but is it also possible that you ate three pieces and maybe had a few more while you were out there picking it all up? Like there’s a ton of candy all around here and even I've eaten a ton! So has everyone else.”

Return to the boundary. At the end, they may or may not take accountability for the choice, but we can always return to it, ask for it to be done again. “Well, 3 is definitely enough for now, so I’ll hold your bucket. Thanks.”

This Weekend try this: In a hard moment, try silence. Whether it’s a kid telling a story, or antisocial behavior. Allow the moment to pass without your interruption. Allow self-awareness to arrive before you interject.